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Sunday, December 27, 2009

It's Good News, Bad News Time!!!

With 2009 wrapping up, it is time for the final Good News Bad News Segment of the year. I can't wait to see how much good news 2010 will bring. Without any further ado... it's Good News, Bad News Time!!!

Good News: ESPN reports Tiger Woods slipped up with his problems in 2009.
Bad News: Really? Looks like he slipped up 15 times. At this point Tiger needs to learn how to walk again.

Good News: Looks like my Mets have finally made a big signing in the offseason.
Bad News: It's not Bay, it's Kelvim Escobar. You remember him, the guy who made ONE major league appearance in the last two season because of injury. Looks like Minaya is doing his best to be fired in 2010.

Good News: Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush got back together before the end of 2009.
Bad News: Reggie will have to ask Bruce Jenner for Kim's hand in marriage. Quick tip Reggie, if Bruce looks surprised it is not because he is surprised. His last face lift left him with that look. Permanently!

Good News: It looks like the New York Jets will beat the undefeated Indianapolis Colts.
Bad News: America gets to listen to Jets nation brag how they beat up on a Colts team minus Manning, Wayne, Mathis, Freeney, and Clark. Congrats on that noteworthy win against the replacements, two cheerleaders and the guy who puts cheese on the nachos.

Good News: To the Jets fans who hated me for the last comment, just know my New York Giants were not only eliminated from the playoffs, but embarrassed on their final home game in Giants Stadium.
Bad News: I get to watch all the New York Knicks and New York Mets games while I wait for the next NFL season to start. Hold on let me just walk away for a minute. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ok, I should be better now. Just think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.

and to show something new for 2010, I will reverse the order for the last one.

Bad News: Ted Kennedy died this year.
Good News: God finally got the right Kennedy.

Be sure to go to for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also check out the new look for my website (click here) and let me know what you think.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Things You Should Say on a Job Interview

Have you ever been on a job interview? Did you want to say what you felt to the mundane questions asked to you? Have you ever had to bullsh*t your way through the interview? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this blog is for you. I have taken the most common interview questions and gave the Mike Garb answer.

What is your biggest strength?
Leg press. I have uncanny strength in my legs. I could probably lift a midget family of 5.

What is your biggest weaknesses?
A thin brunette with big bombs, long legs, a short skirt, those hot little secretary glasses, and an ass that you want to take a bite out of. Kind of like the picture of the woman on your desk. If that's your wife all I can say is, money CAN buy anything.

What future do you see for yourself?
Well if you hire me, and completely over pay me, then I will be able to hook up with my biggest weakness.

What is your proudest moment?

At my last job, I once completed a live Fantasy Football draft without being interupted. It was a money league, and I went on to win 1st place that year. Best thing that ever came out of that place. Well, that and the fact that I hooked up with the office whore.

What have you struggled with, and how did you overcome it?
I have this 'could care less' look on my face during office meetings. To deal with it, and oh man, this is the greatest part. I learned how to completely zone out in any and all office meetings, but still am able to nod my head. It looks like I'm actually taking interest in the useless updates and statistics you may think are golden and important.

How do you think a friend or someone who knows you well would describe you?
Is it my friend Al? If it's him, then he'll tell you I'm a complete @$$hole. He's still mad that I left him at a bar, with the purse holding fat chick, while I hooked up with her hot friend. If you ask any of my ex-girlfriends, then they will probably tell you I am a self centered loser who only cares about himself. Which is total bullsh*t. If I didn't care, then why would I make a drunk call at 3 am to tell them they may have crabs.

In what ways have your college experiences prepared you for a career?
Oh that one is easy. I have learned how to go out, on a weekday, and get sh*t-faced drunk and still function the next day. I mean even if I go home with some random sea donkey, I still can get to where I should be the next day.

How do you work under pressure?

I hate working under pressure, can't stand it. I mean how would you like it if I looked over your shoulder the whole day, and then asked for an update every five minutes. HEY!! IT'S STILL NOT FREAKING DONE YET. STOP ASKING ME!! WHEN IT'S DONE I'LL LET YOU KNOW, TRUST ME I WANT YOU OFF MY @$$ A.S.A.P.

Well I hope you enjoyed these answers, and I only hope that you think of these next time you find yourself on one of those truly boring interviews.

Be sure to go to for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also check out the new look for my website (click here) and let me know what you think.