Apocalypse Now...Please!!!

What do the Mayan's, Harold Camping, and every Jehovah's witness have in common?  They all really have no f@&*ing clue when the world will end.  I love the smell of wrong predictions in the morning.  I also love how I dissect each END OF THE WORLD prediction Myth-buster style.

I find it amazing that we won't even believe the Doppler 8000's 5-day weather forecast, but we are willing to think an ancient civilization knew the world will end in 2012.  If you actually believe in this, then I hope the big meteor, that is aimed for Earth, hits you in the face.  Does any one know why the Mayan's really  stopped making their mystical calendar?  Because a bunch of land seeking explorers did what we did to the Indians.  Yup, that's right.  They got wiped out.  It's kind of hard to continue a calendar when your hut is on fire.  If they truly could predict the end of the world, then why couldn't they predict the end of their world?   MYTH-BUSTED!  One down, two to go.

Join my religion and you will be saved when the world ends.  What a bunch of psycho-babbling religious bullsh*t.  Ever since I was 10 years old, a Jehovah's witness has knocked on my door and told me the world will end next week.  Guess what?  I'm still here.  Here is what boggles my mind about this religion.  They want to save everyone, but believe only 400,000 of them will be saved.  THEN WHY TELL EVERYONE?  If we were all about to get bent over, and slammed from behind, by a major apocalypse and there was a limited amount of seating for people to be saved, would you tell anyone?  I know I wouldn't.  If that sounds harsh, you could always post "thanks for not telling me about the world ending" on my Facebook Wall, and end it with a frowny face.  I think this world ending MYTH has been BUSTED.

I save my favorite for last, Mr Harold Camping.  This is the guy who predicted the world to end on May 21st, 2011.  But fear not, if you are reading this then you are safe.  We all made, and hard to believe.  I mean if we can rely on an 89 year old Christian Bible preaching radio broadcaster, then who the f*ck is left?  God?  Buddha? Allah? Obama?  Kim Kardashian?  Grandpa Camping just recently came out and said that he made an error and the new date to fear is October 21st, 2011.  This guy was a former NASA engineer and he messed up a calculation.  What happened?  Did you forget to carry the one, you douche?

All of this END OF DAYS crap is just a load of pure bullsh*t.  Remember Y2K?  I bet you I just reminded you.  All of this should be treated like an Owen Wilson movie.  Slightly feared at first, but eventually ignored until it goes away.  Besides, everyone knows the world will end on May 25th for millions of people when Oprah's tapes her final show.


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People Who Need to be Punched in the Face

With society becoming more and more rude, arrogant and utterly obnoxious, there has to be a way to get everyone back on track.  The main problem is there is no consequence, no one gets a random punch in the face anymore.  There was a time when annoying people would catch a beat down, just for the hell of it.  Today, the biggest jerk-off gets a reality show.  We need to go back to the days of random @$$ kickings.  Here are a list of people who need to be punched in the face immediately.

1. Anyone who still screams "WINNING" - Guess what, it's over.  Has been for weeks now. The guy who started this is slowly dying and actually LOSING!!!
2. FIST PUMPERS - someone needs to cut these douche bags off.  And does anyone else find the irony that a total jerk-off is a good fist pumper?  (Think about it)
3. Politicians - this should be a National Holiday.  I can definitely see Punch a Politician Day catching on.  How is it possible the people chosen to represent the masses only make decisions that benefit the rich.  Last time I checked the working middle class was about 85% of the population, that's the f***ing majority.  Just pretend like you give a sh*t once in a while.
4. The person responsible for continually spinning off The Real-Housewives series on Bravo. - In a down economy why is it so fascinating to see a bunch of unappreciative rich c**ts complain how life is so hard.  You have 5 nannies for your 2 kids, a personal chef to cook, a maid to clean, a private car to drive you around, and a husband who foots the bill.  My cats eat, sh*t, and lick themselves and still do more than these woman.  
5. Old people who drive during rush hour. - Can we please make it illegal for anyone over 70 years old to be on the road from 7 AM to 9 AM and 4 PM to 6 PM.  It's not fun to be stuck behind '95 Buick Lasabre going 40 mph and with hazards flashing.  I am convinced this is reason why Road Rage exists.
6. Bruce Jenner - I don't even hate the guy, I actually feel bad for him.  Having to constantly hear Kim complain about another failed relationship with yet another C rated athlete.  This guy hasn't felt a facial expression since '92, and a punch to the face may just let him know he is still alive and capable of feeling something.
7. The person setting the Gas Prices - Which middle eastern country do we have to bomb to get below $2/gal. at the pumps again?  I'm sick of bringing a co-signer to Mobil every time I have to fill up my tank.  If Gaddafi doesn't step down in the next five minutes, he's getting five across the eyes and an uppercut to follow.
8. People who don't give the courtesy one over when in a public bathroom. - Doesn't matter if you are a man or woman, you have both been in this scenario.  You are the only one in the bathroom at work, and the next person through that door thinks parking their @$$ next to you is the best place to be.  Someone has broken the unwritten One Over Rule.  Your first thought is always "You gotta be f***ing kidding me,"  which is followed by panic and then you don't even have to go anymore.  My solution: calmly exit your stall then mule kick in the door next to you and punch the person directly in the face while they in crouching crapper pose.

If you can think of more people to Punch in the Face either leave a comment or email me at MikeGarb.Comedy@gmail.com.  Please feel free to subscribe to my blog and tell your Facebook and Twitter friends about me.

New Season of The Real Housewives

I know loyal fans of the Real Housewives series can't wait for new spin offs, but I think Bravo is pushing the limits with this new season.

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It Must Be Laundry Day

With a 0 - 6 start lets overreact like every sport analyst and Red Sox fan.  Yes Boston, pessimism is back.

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Sloth Gets A Makeover

HEY YOU GUYS!!!  It looks like Sloth (from Goonies for the fans who are too young have a clue about great movies) got a makeover.  Check out his amazing before and after picture.

Remember to pick up the phone and vote for James "Sloth Face" Durbin as the next American Idol.