The iPorn

With all the hype on Apple's new iPad, and the success of the iPhone, we shouldn't forget about their OTHER products that didn't quite pan out. Remember this info-mercial?

Want to watch porn, but don't feel like rubbing one out while clicking a mouse at the same time? Tired on getting into a good pull only to knock over you Costco supply of motion lotion? Well now you CAN. The new iPorn let's you play penial piano without the hassle. Voice commands so you don't have to touch the computer and risk getting lube stuck in the keyboard. The iPorn also will find your favorite porn star on Porncast and becomes a fan of hers- Automatically. (Cutscene of a guy saying WOW). Also, as an extra add on - Vibration mode that automatically goes on when you start grunting and groaning. But I know what your thinking? Mike how much am I going to pay for all of this? Well your not going to pay $400 or even $300. Not even $200 or $150, but just 3 easy payments of $45 and let the whack-a-pole begin. And if you act now we'll throw in the Sham Wow, for those big messes, for FREE. A $20 value which is yours for FREE.

Announcer Disclaimer:
California residents please add sales tax. Not available in all states, and illegal in 7 of them.

It's Good News, Bad News Time!!!

With 2009 wrapping up, it is time for the final Good News Bad News Segment of the year. I can't wait to see how much good news 2010 will bring. Without any further ado... it's Good News, Bad News Time!!!

Good News: ESPN reports Tiger Woods slipped up with his problems in 2009.
Bad News: Really? Looks like he slipped up 15 times. At this point Tiger needs to learn how to walk again.

Good News: Looks like my Mets have finally made a big signing in the offseason.
Bad News: It's not Bay, it's Kelvim Escobar. You remember him, the guy who made ONE major league appearance in the last two season because of injury. Looks like Minaya is doing his best to be fired in 2010.

Good News: Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush got back together before the end of 2009.
Bad News: Reggie will have to ask Bruce Jenner for Kim's hand in marriage. Quick tip Reggie, if Bruce looks surprised it is not because he is surprised. His last face lift left him with that look. Permanently!

Good News: It looks like the New York Jets will beat the undefeated Indianapolis Colts.
Bad News: America gets to listen to Jets nation brag how they beat up on a Colts team minus Manning, Wayne, Mathis, Freeney, and Clark. Congrats on that noteworthy win against the replacements, two cheerleaders and the guy who puts cheese on the nachos.

Good News: To the Jets fans who hated me for the last comment, just know my New York Giants were not only eliminated from the playoffs, but embarrassed on their final home game in Giants Stadium.
Bad News: I get to watch all the New York Knicks and New York Mets games while I wait for the next NFL season to start. Hold on let me just walk away for a minute. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ok, I should be better now. Just think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.

and to show something new for 2010, I will reverse the order for the last one.

Bad News: Ted Kennedy died this year.
Good News: God finally got the right Kennedy.

Be sure to go to www.MikeGarb.com for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also check out the new look for my website (click here) and let me know what you think.

Things You Should Say on a Job Interview

Have you ever been on a job interview? Did you want to say what you felt to the mundane questions asked to you? Have you ever had to bullsh*t your way through the interview? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this blog is for you. I have taken the most common interview questions and gave the Mike Garb answer.

What is your biggest strength?
Leg press. I have uncanny strength in my legs. I could probably lift a midget family of 5.

What is your biggest weaknesses?
A thin brunette with big bombs, long legs, a short skirt, those hot little secretary glasses, and an ass that you want to take a bite out of. Kind of like the picture of the woman on your desk. If that's your wife all I can say is, money CAN buy anything.

What future do you see for yourself?
Well if you hire me, and completely over pay me, then I will be able to hook up with my biggest weakness.

What is your proudest moment?
At my last job, I once completed a live Fantasy Football draft without being interupted. It was a money league, and I went on to win 1st place that year. Best thing that ever came out of that place. Well, that and the fact that I hooked up with the office whore.

What have you struggled with, and how did you overcome it?
I have this 'could care less' look on my face during office meetings. To deal with it, and oh man, this is the greatest part. I learned how to completely zone out in any and all office meetings, but still am able to nod my head. It looks like I'm actually taking interest in the useless updates and statistics you may think are golden and important.

How do you think a friend or someone who knows you well would describe you?
Is it my friend Al? If it's him, then he'll tell you I'm a complete @$$hole. He's still mad that I left him at a bar, with the purse holding fat chick, while I hooked up with her hot friend. If you ask any of my ex-girlfriends, then they will probably tell you I am a self centered loser who only cares about himself. Which is total bullsh*t. If I didn't care, then why would I make a drunk call at 3 am to tell them they may have crabs.

In what ways have your college experiences prepared you for a career?
Oh that one is easy. I have learned how to go out, on a weekday, and get sh*t-faced drunk and still function the next day. I mean even if I go home with some random sea donkey, I still can get to where I should be the next day.

How do you work under pressure?
I hate working under pressure, can't stand it. I mean how would you like it if I looked over your shoulder the whole day, and then asked for an update every five minutes. HEY!! IT'S STILL NOT FREAKING DONE YET. STOP ASKING ME!! WHEN IT'S DONE I'LL LET YOU KNOW, TRUST ME I WANT YOU OFF MY @$$ A.S.A.P.

Well I hope you enjoyed these answers, and I only hope that you think of these next time you find yourself on one of those truly boring interviews.

Be sure to go to www.MikeGarb.com for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also check out the new look for my website (click here) and let me know what you think.

Marley and Me Makes Men Cry!!

So I just wrapped up another exciting email with my 'Lunch Crew' buddies, LC for short. The reason we call ourselves this, is we all used to go to lunch together while working at the same company. I don't want to come out and publicly say what crappy company it is, but it believes HEALTHCARE should be UNITED. Hold on while I take a quick call from my legal representation...
Ok, I'm back. This is the time of year the LC talks mostly about the fantasy football league we all created, and any other crazy topic we can come up with. Today we learned most of us, and I mean those who possess a heart, teared up during Marley and Me. You probably are asking; Why would you admit this? Why did you rent this? and Did you just admit to watching an Owen Wilson movie? The answers are simple. Denial is the first step to recovering from this travesty; Because Netflix didn't send me my first pick - The Proposal; and don't forget You, Me, and Dupree.
Most of the LC admitted to shedding a tear or two, and it's the typical man way of tearing. You pretend to yawn a bunch of times to stop yourself from bursting out and screaming "WHHHHYYYYY MARLEY, HE'S JUST A DOG." The ones who didn't admit to crying during the movie, did later sob quietly in the corner of their shower muttering "it's ok Marley, you're in a better place now." Well...maybe that's now how it happened, but they had to cry at some point. Right? When I think back on the movie now I still cry, and not because Marley died in the end. Try explaining to everyone that an Owen Wilson made you cry...(single tear).
I would like to that the LC for giving me the material and inspiration to write this blog. I'd like to say permission, but they won't know I wrote this until after I publish. The LC claims they read my blogs, so let's just call this a test for them. Be sure to go to www.MikeGarb.com for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also, tune in to my next blog called "Meet The LC"

It's Good News, Bad News Time!!

Hey Mike Garb fans!! Guess what time it is??? It's...Good News, Bad News Time. With every piece of Good News, there is always Bad News.

Good News: A-Rod and the Yankees won the World Series.
Bad News: Side effects may include: excessive celebration, nausea, bacne, swelling of the head, and the voices of grown men from Yonkers screaming "Got Rings? We got 27 of dem"

Good News: I just beat Guitar Hero 5 on Expert.
Bad News: I just beat Guitar Hero 5 on Expert.

Good News: Tampa Bay Bucs got their first win of the season.
Bad News: If my math skills are correct, every nine weeks means next celebration party will be Week One of the 2010 season. And if my prediction skills are correct, Bucs fans will hear "With the 1st pick of the 2010 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Bucaneers select..."

Good News: Jon and Kate are in court and their show on TLC maybe over.
Bad News: The TLC channel is premiering their new show called Jon and Kate Battle Over 8

Good News: The Dallas Cowboys are in 1st place in the NFC East.
Bad News: The Tony Romo-mentum train stops in December.

Good News: Britney Spears has a new perfume out, and you can buy it at your local Walmart.
Bad News: It smells like trailer park, sprinkle cheese, and crystal meth.

Good News: I still have a chance to win this week's game in my Fantasy Football League.
Bad News: To do it, I need Hines Ward to catch 6 TD's and run the length of the field on each catch. Right now, even Steelers fans are laughing at me.

Good News: Me and Renee (my girlfriend) just exchanged our Christmas wish lists with each other. Her list includes more winter clothes, DJ Hero, and weight loss books.
Bad News: With the exception of the first one, how the hell am I going to explain that to the cashier? "No sir, I swear she really wants to diet and play DJ Hero."

Good News: The New York Giants finally get a bye week, after losing 4 straight games. Hopefully that gives their injured defense some time to heal up.
Bad News: Other NFL teams currently on a skid of 4 or more games are the Redskins, Lions, and 49ers. It's true. Misery DOES love company.

Good News: Renee's cats licked my face. She tells me it is a sign of affection.
Bad News: I just caught them drinking out of the toilet bowl.

If you like what you read and want more of Mike Garb, please read his other blogs as well. You can also go to www.MikeGarb.com for a list of upcoming shows, video clips, pictures, and to Experience The Funny!!!