Why I am a @#$%ing Mets Fan

It's Opening Day of baseball and what seems like new hope for most teams is really 162 painful reminders on how far away my team, The New York Mets, are from winning it all.  Here are some reasons why I am a @#$%ing Mets Fan.

1. Our owner comes out and says "My son is doing an excellent job running the Mets" in the middle of a 10 game losing streak.  You should go into motivational speaking Mr. Wilpon.
2. No matter how clean Citifield is, trash is always scattered on the field.  Thank God we threw out Castillo and Perez.
3. I once thought Pauly D was sitting next to me, but then I remembered I was in Queens.
4. I get a brief moment of excitement every-time ESPN's bottom line says "New York to acquire pitching" until I realize it's the New York Yankees.
5. We reward our top performing players by trading them to a better team.
6. The New York Mets starting lineup rather be on the DL than on the field.
7. A 17 game lead with one month left in the season is still a nail biter.
8. I actually love watching ESPN analyst Steve Phillips comment on what the Mets should do?  Hey Steve, should we trade for Mo Vaughn and Bobby Bonilla like you did?  Did you know Stevie P passed on Ichiro Suzuki because Bobby V recommended it, and he hated Bobby?  Now you do.
9. We are the only baseball franchise with Vegas odds on what inning our announcers will fall asleep.  Under / Over is the 4th inning.  HOT TIP:  TAKE THE UNDER
10. My team will over pay for any mediocre player who goes on a 4 game hitting streak.  Jealous yet?
11. Our nickname is 'The MIRACLE Mets'  It will be a miracle if they finish over .500
12. I haven't seen the Mets win it all since I was in my Lenny Dykstra under-roos in 1986.
13. It never gets old hearing Peter Gammons say "I don't even know where to begin" when asked what the Mets need to do to improve.
14. Bernie Madoff says we're financially stable.
15. They are actually making a new game show for the Mets.  Check out the new promo below:

 

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Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan

Opening Day is almost here and the New York Yankee lemmings...err... I mean fans are gearing up to support their team. Here are some reasons why I can never be a Yankee fan.

1. I do not feel like sitting next to some douche bag from the Bronx who's only goal in life is to drink as many beers as the Yankees have championships, all before the 7th inning stretch.
2. I do not want Cameron Diaz to feed me popcorn.
   
3. I do not cheer when A-Rod hits a homerun, because I realize the mixture of steroids and horse hormones is why he has a nice trot around the bases.
4. I know this may surprise some of you, but "GOT RINGS?, WE GOT 27 OF THEM" actually gets annoying after the first 1000 times.
5. Suzyn Waldman - self explanatory.
6. Winning with $210 million isn't genius, it's a Monopoly.
7. It's great to know whenever some one hits a homerun, the Yankees will sign him to their bench. Great parity in this sport.
8. It's Derek Jeter, not Derek Jeta'
9. Listening to John Sterling is like listening to Charlie Sheen, they're both rambling men slowly dying.
10. An overweight, player is the pride of your organization. No, not C.C. or Bartolo Colon. The one who screwed hookers and ate a steady diet of hummel hotdogs and tubs of mayo. Put that in your cigar and smoke it.

Tune in next week when I admit, Why I Am A @&$#ing Mets Fan. And remember to subscribe to my blog and/or comment on this post.

It's 10 PM Do You know Where Your Children Are?

AND

Parents please make sure you know what your children are doing at all times. You never know what types of creepy people may be out walking the streets. I hope these new PSA's help get the message out.

If you thought this was funny, then I hope you are still laughing next week when I release my latest post, Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan.

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Why I Can Never Be A Red Sox Fan

In New England, the snow has melted, the days are getting longer and the temperature is rising. With Spring inching closer the dawn of a new baseball season is upon us. Every team has a renewed hope that they will win it all. Fans are getting wicked excited for anotha day in the paaark. Here are some reasons why I will never be a Boston Red Sox fan.

1. To me sitting on top of a 100 year old wall to watch a game is not fun, its fucking annoying, to Red Sox Fans its bleacher seats.
2. I don't mispronounce enough words to be a fan. I say dark not daak, I say barber not ba-ba, I say potatoes not puhdaydas, and I say Fenway Park not Fenway Paaaark, Go Bo Sox.
3. When I get ice cream I don't ask for jimmies on it. That just sounds creepy.
4. The Drop Kick Murphy's suck.
5. I never got a Papel-boner.
6. Singing 'Sweet Caroline' with a bunch of drunk Mass-holes is moronic.
7. I fully understand there is a chance that Pedro, Damon, Big Poppi, and Manny probably took some of Manny's "Vitamins" to help win a World Series in 2004. They truly were a Bunch of Idiots.

If you thought this was funny, then you're probably a Yankee fan. I hope you are still laughing next week when I release my latest post, Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan.

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The New and Improved Baby Straight Jacket

Can't control your baby, then the Baby Straight Jacket is just what you need. Who has time to discipline their child? Not parents today. This new and improved design will make sure your precious ball of terror can't move, roll, twitch or bite your face off.

***Supplies are limited, only 7 per household. CA Residents please add sales tax and $20 surcharge for having pain in the @$$ kids.

Please Pass The Electric Cig

I can tell you your future, that's what I love about me.

The Crying Heat Game

When all is lost just put your head on my shoulder, and weep those sorrows away.