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Thursday, March 25, 2010

Who's The BIGGEST State?

So I get an email today from my buddy Mags, he's part of the infamous Email Crew. This article ranked men, of all 50 states, by the size of their junk. I won't even bother to repeat what I wrote, just know you read it correctly. Condomania is the company who actually took the time to chart out this information. They didn't go door to door, with a ruler, and tell every guy who answered "whip it out." This company sold custom fitted condoms to about 27,000 men in the US, and averaged out how long the schlong was for each state. So lets go through the rankings. New York came in third, beating out eighth ranked Massachusetts. This mean two things. 1. This really revives the NY vs. Boston rivalry, and 2. I couldn't stop laughing while writing that last sentence. Go ahead and re-read it. Start at New York. Arkansas was thirteen which throws a monkey wrench in it all. I didn't think they used condoms or knew how to connect to 'that there internets to actually buy the bot damn thangs.' New Jersey was all the way down at number 32. Looks like the Garden State will need to do more growing. Note to all of my blog readers, this proves tanning, roiding, and Jersey Shoring all lead to a Little Jimmy. Nebraska was at 39, but like Arkansas, I don't think they use condoms. Don't believe me? Go take a trip and count all the teenaged pregnancies. You won't even make it out of a High School without using a scientific calculator. Last, and by this survey, definitely least was Wyoming. Their motto is Equal Rights. Let start by working on equal length. Surprisingly, New Hampshire took home the Gold Medal. All this time I thought Texas was the state filled with the biggest pricks.

For more on Mike Garb, please visit www.MikeGarb,com and Experience the Funny!! Stay tuned for my first ever podcast called "Mike Garb Plays With Himself" Podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes or visit my website to download it.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Why I Hate March Madness

I hate March Madness. No, this is not an attention grabber headline or a spam email that says "FREE PORN" and then directs you to collect your winnings from the Australian lottery that you somehow won, even though you never left the continental United States. Nope, this is none of that. It is the truth. I really hate March Madness and here are the reasons.

Reason # 1 - Selection Sunday
It's fun to see which schools make it into the tourney, mainly because they have live feeds of pep rallies filled with students who have been drinking since noon on Thursday. I always root for a group of 3 students to break into a funneling contest, the second they find out their school made the tourney. Here's my main beef. CBS stopped showing the reactions of schools who missed the cut. Why? To be sensitive to the students and young athletes. I know, what crap. Think of all the laughs that have just been tossed away. College is supposed to teach you life lessons, and prepare you for the real world. The real world is like the Parker Bros. game of Life. Remember that game? You can be a winner at the game of life. No you can't. There is ONE winner and a bunch of losers. THAT'S LIFE. I just want to see CBS analysts breakdown the replay.

Hey Greg, here is what rejection looks like. You can see here their faces go from joy to pure disappointment once they realize their name wasn't called. That's called the "I still didn't get the promotion?" look. Lots of that in their future. Back to you.

Reason # 2 - Bracketology
I'm all for in depth analysis of teams, and key match ups, but not for all 64 teams. Let's make the cut off the top 20 teams. After that fade to black and end the show. I really do not need to know how #16 seed IUIPUI needs to exploit their opponents pick and roll. No #1 has ever been upset, it doesn't happen. The only way to beat a # 1 seed in the first round is to hope their team bus breaks down and they have to forfeit the game. Ironically enough, that is also the only weakness the Uconn Husky Women's team has had all season. On a side note, ESPN's showed the experts getting together and going through the bracket of 64 for an hour. The first 45 minutes should have made the chopping room floor , because all top seeds somehow made the final four. Thanks, my girlfriend picked the same way but at least she was quiet for the 20 minutes she made her picks.

Reason # 3 - Office Pools
This is the biggest reason why I loathe March Madness. You waste so much work time figuring the best way to win the $5,000 office pool. You constantly watch Digger Phelps and Dickie V break down every game. After ten hours, and approximately 2,000 Yeeeeah Baby's, you have a bracket with a nice balance of upsets and top seeds, and are now legally insane. You feel confident about your sheet, so you hand it in, and proudly pay the $20. You may even throw in a comment like "This is the winning sheet, the rest of you can battle it out for 2nd place," and then give a douchey smile and walk away. Now, lets fast forward two days into the tourney. You look down at your bracket and realize one of your final four teams is gone, another final four team went to OT and just barely survived, you picked the wrong 5 vs. 12 seed upsets, and a # 14 seed, who happens to be a Catholic college, miracled a huge upset win. How ironic!! Making matters worse, the early results come in for the office pool and Kathy, a single mother of three from Logistics, is in the lead. Kathy knows nothing about sports and only entered because you, and a team of buddies, went around forcing women to sign up thinking it would be easy money and make the pot bigger. Now, for no reason at all, your new mission in life is to hate Kathy. You see her leaving work and trying to merge into traffic, and instead of being nice and giving her the quick Hand Wave of Magic to let her merge (which is the highest permission a mortal can give, only God himself can grant anything higher.) You speed up as she tries to pull out, beep your horn and tell her She's # 1 (and not just in the March Madness Office Pool.) Next thing you know, you are at her 5 year old kid's Karate Competition screaming out "PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG JOHNNY" and "SWEEP THE LEG" to whoever is facing her child. You lose touch with reality and it can all be traced back to March Madness, or at least that's what you the judge.

For more on Mike Garb, please visit www.MikeGarb,com and Experience the Funny!! Stay tuned for my first ever podcast called "Mike Garb Plays With Himself" Podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes or visit my website to download it.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


Good News, Bad News Time!!!

Good News: The USA Men's Hockey team pulled the upset and beat the Canadians.
Bad News: Hey Canada, at least you are better at hockey than the US. Oh yeah, now the US is better at EVERYTHING.

Bad News: Brian Westbrook was cut from the Philadelphia Eagles.
Good News: He is an aging and injury prone running back. The Patriots will probably sign him in the next couple of days.

Good News: Jonny Damon signed with the Detroit's Tigers for 1 year, $8 million; and he said "I always wanted to play for Detroit"

Bad News: The Yankees would have given him 2 years and $14 million to play on a World Series winning team. I'd say enjoy being robbed in Detroit, but Mr. Ponzi scheme is already broke.

Good News: There was a Tiger Woods sighting last week. Mr. Domo Arigato Tiger Roboto delivered an awkward press conference apologizing to everyone.

Bad News: He forgot to apologize to men, all over the world, for banging a Perkin's waitress. I'm a broke comedian, and even I could pull that.

Good News: Pitchers and Catchers have started to report to Spring Training camps. Yes, it's almost baseball time.
Bad News: Mets have no pitchers or catchers. Looks like Johan Santana is throwing to himself. Let's go METS!!!

Good News: The New York Knicks have cleared enough salary cap space to sign two big free agents in 2010.
Bad News: The Dolan Family, the owners of the Knicks, also own Cablevision. If it took months to negotiate The Food Network and HGTV on your cable packages, how do you expect to negotiate a structured contract with Lebron?

Good News: Ever since the sex scandal, sales for Mr. Tiger Roboto's golf video game has sky rocketed.
Bad News: If only there was a way to incorporate Tiger's side missions and banging of hookers. Oh wait. Ladies and Gentlemen Rockstar games presents... Grand Theft Auto: Tiger Woods Edition.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The iPorn

With all the hype on Apple's new iPad, and the success of the iPhone, we shouldn't forget about their OTHER products that didn't quite pan out. Remember this info-mercial?

Want to watch porn, but don't feel like rubbing one out while clicking a mouse at the same time? Tired on getting into a good pull only to knock over you Costco supply of motion lotion? Well now you CAN. The new iPorn let's you play penial piano without the hassle. Voice commands so you don't have to touch the computer and risk getting lube stuck in the keyboard. The iPorn also will find your favorite porn star on Porncast and becomes a fan of hers- Automatically. (Cutscene of a guy saying WOW). Also, as an extra add on - Vibration mode that automatically goes on when you start grunting and groaning. But I know what your thinking? Mike how much am I going to pay for all of this? Well your not going to pay $400 or even $300. Not even $200 or $150, but just 3 easy payments of $45 and let the whack-a-pole begin. And if you act now we'll throw in the Sham Wow, for those big messes, for FREE. A $20 value which is yours for FREE.

Announcer Disclaimer:
California residents please add sales tax. Not available in all states, and illegal in 7 of them.