Monday, October 26, 2009
Kayne West - Kayne is taking a turn for the worst and going to the darkside of douche baggery. He honestly took the time and effort to interrupt Taylor Swift winning an MTV award. AN MTV AWARD. Is anyone shocked a 17 year old won an award that is voted on by 17 year olds? Apparently at least one guy was. Who gives a sh*t what MTV thinks? They greenlit the show Bromance. The two ways Kayne can escape his douche nozzle status is to 1.) make an album equivalent to the skills of The College Dropout or 2.) at the next MTV award cermony drive a wooden stake through every cast member of Twilight. You now know what you have to do Mr. West.
Jon Gosselin - Jon took the express to Doucheville, and is the local superhero. He already has his Ed Hardy DB suit and cape on, and is the only man in history to be famous for his wife saying "Oops, the test tube must have had six." His family makes $50,000 an episode everytime his 8 kids and ex-wife, turned human pez dispencer, Kate are exploited on the TLC channel. Since the show maybe canceled and the money may dry up, we need not worry about his family. If, by some miracle, the Gosselin's go poor; I'm sure Angelina Jolie and Madonna will adopt those little Asian babies right off him.
Spencer Pratt - Talk about the creme de la creme of all douche's. He is not only at the top of his game, but is not going away anytime soon. This walking abortion makes me hate the MTV network and all of its affiliates. I pray everyday that I become a billionaire, so I can buy out MTV and knock it down and make a parking lot out it. Spence has the greatest beard known to man. I'm not talking about the one on his face, I'm talking about the one on his arm. Heidi, his wife who was paid for by viewers like you, is about as useful as a filled colostomy bag. This dou from hell has formed together, like Vol-tron, and become an unstoppable force. Whether they are embarrassing themselves on a reality show or getting punked by Al Roker, these closet baggers are going to be one tough son of a DB to beat.
So there you have it, three quick reasons why we should all strive to be douche bags. If not for the fame and fortune, at least for the comradery.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Only an awkward comedian, like me, could come up with an even more awkward ranking system for the NFL. Sure, it’s only week six in the NFL, but teams are already showing signs of how they will finish the season. Instead of debating who # 1 in the NFL is, I have divided all 32 teams into some fun groups that you and the family can enjoy. Without any further delay, onto the first group.
The Are You There God? It’s Me Group. These are for the teams that are so terrible the players start to question if there is a higher power, while their fans actually start to pray for just ONE WIN. It’s sad when your fans stop doing ‘the Wave’ and start holding hands and singing Kumbai’a.
32. St Louis Rams – This team is starting to pile up more injuries than the Mets, and will most likely have a season just as miserable.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – When your team has had 20,000 fans not show up for games what else can be said? Your fans have already given up and it only been 6 weeks. I guess this is a bad time to mention the Patriots are coming to town. Hello 0 and 7!!
30. Tennessee Titans – What a difference a year makes. This is the same team that went 13 and 3 and was the top seed in the AFC and NFL. Well, at least Jeff Fischer can start to play Vince Young. Remember him Titan fans, the QB you drafted that hasn’t show much in 4 years.
The We Wasted The Good Pick for You Group. These teams have shown fans they have already overachieved by getting one win. Hope you like the win too, because it is just good enough to take them out of the running for the first overall pick in 2010.
29. Cleveland Browns – Tim Tebow and Colt McCoy will be in the draft this year, so hope for one to be available to fix your current QB situation. Hell, Sam Bradford’s injured shoulder is better than what you have now.
28. Detroit Lions – Well, at least you won’t go winless again.
27. Kansas City Chiefs – How’s that Matt Cassel trade working out for ya? Hard to tell when your ‘Things to Do List’ have a check mark next to QB and WR. Good job! Two down and only 50 more positions left to fill. Who said there are no good jobs out there?
They Are Who We Thought They Were Group. These are for the teams who are just flat out predictable.
26. Washington Redskins – This team should be renamed “Where Winless Teams Win.” The Dead-skins have given Detroit, Carolina, and Kansas City their first win. If only we could get the Rams, Bucs, and Titans on their schedule.
25. Oakland Raiders – Jamarcus Russell, you just won the Superbowl. What are you going to do now? I’m going to Walt Disney World. Yup, it sounds even funnier when you say it out loud. This is never happening Raiders fans.
24. Buffalo Bills – Good news, you fired the offensive coordinator. Bad news, this gives Trent Edwards more freedom.
23. Seattle Seahawks – Injury riddled team least year, injury riddled team this year. Why were they a sleeper pick by most of ESPN? Great job Bristol, you can make it up to us by another hilarious Scott Van Pelt commercial.
The Chris Berman Back Back Back to the Drawing Board Group. I know what you are thinking. He just took a shot at the leading Sports Network, and now is making a category for their most annoying employee? I’m a struggling comedian looking for a stable job, gotta kiss some corporate butt. Interested in hiring me or booking me for any corporate gig? You can see more of me at www.MikeGarb.com. (Shameless Plug# 1).
22. Carolina Panthers – You know you need to rethink things when your QB has thrown double digit INT’s (10) and single digit TD’s (4). I can’t wait until Delhomme throws more INT’s than his jersey number. That maybe in two weeks at this rate.
21. Miami Dolphins – You mean to tell me having Serena and Venus Williams, Gloria Estefan, and Marc Anthony as owners isn’t a winning formula? Nope. At this point, throw in Kanye West. It would be great to see a post game conference interrupted by Kanye saying “Yo Sporano, I’ll let you finish, but you lost because the other team was better.”
20. Jacksonville Jaguars – When your owner announces that Tim Tebow would be a great addition to your NFL team, you need to rethink much more than your season.
The Blinded by The Light Group. This is dedicated to all those teams that start off hot and have the whole league glaring at them in amazement. We are all blinded by the light, but soon realize that those lights are attached to a Mac Truck, and we are the deer.
19. Dallas Cowboys – Usually the ‘Boys' wait until December before they tank. Looks like Christmas has come early. Whooo hooooooooooo.
18. New York Jets – Every year the Jets get their fans excited, and every year the same warning signs are ignored. *Beep beep* SMACK!! The fans hopes are the same as that poor deer. Splattered all over the place.
The Whoa –O, Livin’ On A Prayer Group. These teams are probably not going to win it all, but they will hang on until the very end. Their season leaves you feeling the same as when you hear this Jovi song in a club, bar or at a wedding. While the song is playing you’re having a good time. You’re dancing like a maniac, and are singing every word. But when it’s over you feel the same. Disappointed in yourself.
17. Houston Texans – You beat some good, you beat some bad, you take them all and then you have the fact of life. The facts of life.
16. Arizona Cardinals – Consider last years run like Scot Baio’s career. A valiant effort.
15. San Francisco 49ers – Good news, you finally signed Crabtree. Bad news, he gets to experience mediocrity.
14. San Diego Chargers – This category was built for your team. Every year it takes a miracle run for your team to make the playoffs. However, this year Denver looks like they won’t be blowing their insurmountable lead.
The Hanna Montana Group. Sure these teams may look like rock stars by their appearance, but take off that blonde wig as what do you have? A normal team.
13. Philadelphia Eagles – It’s hard to be considered a contender, when you lose to the Raiders. It’s week 7 and in Philly that can only mean one thing? Queue the fan chants to bring on the back up QB. Ladies and Gentlemen, Michael Vick. On a sidenote, how funny would it be to have Andy Reid in a blonde wig.
12. Green Bay Packers – We are just two sacks away from Aaron Rodgers making a rap video about how he is deleting his Twitter account, because he’s sick of hearing from his fans.
11. Chicago Bears – Cutler may have cried his way out of Denver, but the fans are the ones crying about their poor redzone performances.
10. Baltimore Ravens – 3 and 0 followed by 0 and 3. Keep the wig, because you have been scalped.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – Some weeks you look like Hanna Montana and some weeks you look like Miley. Who is the real one? I can’t tell.
The Jon and Kate Plus 8 Group. These teams start off well and you think nothing can go wrong, then BAM!! Something crazy happens, your season is ruined, and someone turns into a douche bag.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers – BAM!! Polumalu and his curls go down and the defense struggles. If you turn the ball over anymore, the season will not turnout well. Finally, I am betting money Willie Parker will be the D Bagger. He will start to complain right when he realizes he isn’t the best RB on the team.
7. Atlanta Falcons – Good team, good QB, but lacking a running game. Not going to end pretty, especially when Tony Gonzalez starts to bring up his basketball over football thoughts.
6. Denver Broncos – The BAM!! I’m waiting for is for Kyle Orton to act like Kyle Orton.
The Last Year is in the Past Group. These teams had a “What had happened was?” moment last year, but are showing that they will be in the mix at the end of the season.
5. New England Patriots – Tom Brady is back and they scored 59 against the Titans, with the Tampa Bay Bucs next on their schedule. Brady can pull a Jordan at the Foul Line and start throwing to the endzone with his eyes closed, and STILL win this game.
4. New York Giants – Their season ended after Plaxico, Buress’ed himself at a club. This year, Eli has done a good job distributing the ball, and the run game is still strong. Hopefully their defensive stand in The Big Easy was just a blip on the radar.
The Brett Fav-orites Group. These are the teams that should be favored to win it all this year. They are strong, have it all, and haven’t been beaten.
3. Minnesota Vikings – How fitting the Favre lead team is in this group. The secret to this formula is, take a good team and just add Favre. But the biggest threat on this team is still Peterson and his freakish running abilities.
2. Indianapolis Colts – The Colts could be #1 once their defense heals up and becomes dominant. Until then just enjoy the Peyton Manning and Justin Timberlake commercials.
1. New Orleans Saints – How fitting they Brees’ed through the NY Giants defense and scored 48 on a good team. There is your quality win, and there is you #1 team…so far.
That is my week 6 wrap up, more to coming in the following weeks. Please visit my website www.MikeGarb.com for more on me and my blogs. (Shamless Plus #2).