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Monday, October 26, 2009

Mommy, I wanna be a douche bag when I grow up.

Nobody says they want to be a douche bag when they grow up, but they should start striving to be # 1. Think about the top douche's of the past couple of years and you will find Kanye West, Jon Gosselin, and Spencer Pratt. What do they all have in common? They all remain rich, even through these tough financial times.
Kayne West - Kayne is taking a turn for the worst and going to the darkside of douche baggery. He honestly took the time and effort to interrupt Taylor Swift winning an MTV award. AN MTV AWARD. Is anyone shocked a 17 year old won an award that is voted on by 17 year olds? Apparently at least one guy was. Who gives a sh*t what MTV thinks? They greenlit the show Bromance. The two ways Kayne can escape his douche nozzle status is to 1.) make an album equivalent to the skills of The College Dropout or 2.) at the next MTV award cermony drive a wooden stake through every cast member of Twilight. You now know what you have to do Mr. West.
Jon Gosselin - Jon took the express to Doucheville, and is the local superhero. He already has his Ed Hardy DB suit and cape on, and is the only man in history to be famous for his wife saying "Oops, the test tube must have had six." His family makes $50,000 an episode everytime his 8 kids and ex-wife, turned human pez dispencer, Kate are exploited on the TLC channel. Since the show maybe canceled and the money may dry up, we need not worry about his family. If, by some miracle, the Gosselin's go poor; I'm sure Angelina Jolie and Madonna will adopt those little Asian babies right off him.
Spencer Pratt - Talk about the creme de la creme of all douche's. He is not only at the top of his game, but is not going away anytime soon. This walking abortion makes me hate the MTV network and all of its affiliates. I pray everyday that I become a billionaire, so I can buy out MTV and knock it down and make a parking lot out it. Spence has the greatest beard known to man. I'm not talking about the one on his face, I'm talking about the one on his arm. Heidi, his wife who was paid for by viewers like you, is about as useful as a filled colostomy bag. This dou from hell has formed together, like Vol-tron, and become an unstoppable force. Whether they are embarrassing themselves on a reality show or getting punked by Al Roker, these closet baggers are going to be one tough son of a DB to beat.
So there you have it, three quick reasons why we should all strive to be douche bags. If not for the fame and fortune, at least for the comradery.

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