Apocalypse Now...Please!!!

What do the Mayan's, Harold Camping, and every Jehovah's witness have in common?  They all really have no f@&*ing clue when the world will end.  I love the smell of wrong predictions in the morning.  I also love how I dissect each END OF THE WORLD prediction Myth-buster style.

I find it amazing that we won't even believe the Doppler 8000's 5-day weather forecast, but we are willing to think an ancient civilization knew the world will end in 2012.  If you actually believe in this, then I hope the big meteor, that is aimed for Earth, hits you in the face.  Does any one know why the Mayan's really  stopped making their mystical calendar?  Because a bunch of land seeking explorers did what we did to the Indians.  Yup, that's right.  They got wiped out.  It's kind of hard to continue a calendar when your hut is on fire.  If they truly could predict the end of the world, then why couldn't they predict the end of their world?   MYTH-BUSTED!  One down, two to go.

Join my religion and you will be saved when the world ends.  What a bunch of psycho-babbling religious bullsh*t.  Ever since I was 10 years old, a Jehovah's witness has knocked on my door and told me the world will end next week.  Guess what?  I'm still here.  Here is what boggles my mind about this religion.  They want to save everyone, but believe only 400,000 of them will be saved.  THEN WHY TELL EVERYONE?  If we were all about to get bent over, and slammed from behind, by a major apocalypse and there was a limited amount of seating for people to be saved, would you tell anyone?  I know I wouldn't.  If that sounds harsh, you could always post "thanks for not telling me about the world ending" on my Facebook Wall, and end it with a frowny face.  I think this world ending MYTH has been BUSTED.

I save my favorite for last, Mr Harold Camping.  This is the guy who predicted the world to end on May 21st, 2011.  But fear not, if you are reading this then you are safe.  We all made, and hard to believe.  I mean if we can rely on an 89 year old Christian Bible preaching radio broadcaster, then who the f*ck is left?  God?  Buddha? Allah? Obama?  Kim Kardashian?  Grandpa Camping just recently came out and said that he made an error and the new date to fear is October 21st, 2011.  This guy was a former NASA engineer and he messed up a calculation.  What happened?  Did you forget to carry the one, you douche?

All of this END OF DAYS crap is just a load of pure bullsh*t.  Remember Y2K?  I bet you I just reminded you.  All of this should be treated like an Owen Wilson movie.  Slightly feared at first, but eventually ignored until it goes away.  Besides, everyone knows the world will end on May 25th for millions of people when Oprah's tapes her final show.


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People Who Need to be Punched in the Face

With society becoming more and more rude, arrogant and utterly obnoxious, there has to be a way to get everyone back on track.  The main problem is there is no consequence, no one gets a random punch in the face anymore.  There was a time when annoying people would catch a beat down, just for the hell of it.  Today, the biggest jerk-off gets a reality show.  We need to go back to the days of random @$$ kickings.  Here are a list of people who need to be punched in the face immediately.

1. Anyone who still screams "WINNING" - Guess what, it's over.  Has been for weeks now. The guy who started this is slowly dying and actually LOSING!!!
2. FIST PUMPERS - someone needs to cut these douche bags off.  And does anyone else find the irony that a total jerk-off is a good fist pumper?  (Think about it)
3. Politicians - this should be a National Holiday.  I can definitely see Punch a Politician Day catching on.  How is it possible the people chosen to represent the masses only make decisions that benefit the rich.  Last time I checked the working middle class was about 85% of the population, that's the f***ing majority.  Just pretend like you give a sh*t once in a while.
4. The person responsible for continually spinning off The Real-Housewives series on Bravo. - In a down economy why is it so fascinating to see a bunch of unappreciative rich c**ts complain how life is so hard.  You have 5 nannies for your 2 kids, a personal chef to cook, a maid to clean, a private car to drive you around, and a husband who foots the bill.  My cats eat, sh*t, and lick themselves and still do more than these woman.  
5. Old people who drive during rush hour. - Can we please make it illegal for anyone over 70 years old to be on the road from 7 AM to 9 AM and 4 PM to 6 PM.  It's not fun to be stuck behind '95 Buick Lasabre going 40 mph and with hazards flashing.  I am convinced this is reason why Road Rage exists.
6. Bruce Jenner - I don't even hate the guy, I actually feel bad for him.  Having to constantly hear Kim complain about another failed relationship with yet another C rated athlete.  This guy hasn't felt a facial expression since '92, and a punch to the face may just let him know he is still alive and capable of feeling something.
7. The person setting the Gas Prices - Which middle eastern country do we have to bomb to get below $2/gal. at the pumps again?  I'm sick of bringing a co-signer to Mobil every time I have to fill up my tank.  If Gaddafi doesn't step down in the next five minutes, he's getting five across the eyes and an uppercut to follow.
8. People who don't give the courtesy one over when in a public bathroom. - Doesn't matter if you are a man or woman, you have both been in this scenario.  You are the only one in the bathroom at work, and the next person through that door thinks parking their @$$ next to you is the best place to be.  Someone has broken the unwritten One Over Rule.  Your first thought is always "You gotta be f***ing kidding me,"  which is followed by panic and then you don't even have to go anymore.  My solution: calmly exit your stall then mule kick in the door next to you and punch the person directly in the face while they in crouching crapper pose.

If you can think of more people to Punch in the Face either leave a comment or email me at MikeGarb.Comedy@gmail.com.  Please feel free to subscribe to my blog and tell your Facebook and Twitter friends about me.

New Season of The Real Housewives

I know loyal fans of the Real Housewives series can't wait for new spin offs, but I think Bravo is pushing the limits with this new season.

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It Must Be Laundry Day

With a 0 - 6 start lets overreact like every sport analyst and Red Sox fan.  Yes Boston, pessimism is back.

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Sloth Gets A Makeover

HEY YOU GUYS!!!  It looks like Sloth (from Goonies for the fans who are too young have a clue about great movies) got a makeover.  Check out his amazing before and after picture.

Remember to pick up the phone and vote for James "Sloth Face" Durbin as the next American Idol.

Why I am a @#$%ing Mets Fan

It's Opening Day of baseball and what seems like new hope for most teams is really 162 painful reminders on how far away my team, The New York Mets, are from winning it all.  Here are some reasons why I am a @#$%ing Mets Fan.

1. Our owner comes out and says "My son is doing an excellent job running the Mets" in the middle of a 10 game losing streak.  You should go into motivational speaking Mr. Wilpon.
2. No matter how clean Citifield is, trash is always scattered on the field.  Thank God we threw out Castillo and Perez.
3. I once thought Pauly D was sitting next to me, but then I remembered I was in Queens.
4. I get a brief moment of excitement every-time ESPN's bottom line says "New York to acquire pitching" until I realize it's the New York Yankees.
5. We reward our top performing players by trading them to a better team.
6. The New York Mets starting lineup rather be on the DL than on the field.
7. A 17 game lead with one month left in the season is still a nail biter.
8. I actually love watching ESPN analyst Steve Phillips comment on what the Mets should do?  Hey Steve, should we trade for Mo Vaughn and Bobby Bonilla like you did?  Did you know Stevie P passed on Ichiro Suzuki because Bobby V recommended it, and he hated Bobby?  Now you do.
9. We are the only baseball franchise with Vegas odds on what inning our announcers will fall asleep.  Under / Over is the 4th inning.  HOT TIP:  TAKE THE UNDER
10. My team will over pay for any mediocre player who goes on a 4 game hitting streak.  Jealous yet?
11. Our nickname is 'The MIRACLE Mets'  It will be a miracle if they finish over .500
12. I haven't seen the Mets win it all since I was in my Lenny Dykstra under-roos in 1986.
13. It never gets old hearing Peter Gammons say "I don't even know where to begin" when asked what the Mets need to do to improve.
14. Bernie Madoff says we're financially stable.
15. They are actually making a new game show for the Mets.  Check out the new promo below:

 

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Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan

Opening Day is almost here and the New York Yankee lemmings...err... I mean fans are gearing up to support their team. Here are some reasons why I can never be a Yankee fan.

1. I do not feel like sitting next to some douche bag from the Bronx who's only goal in life is to drink as many beers as the Yankees have championships, all before the 7th inning stretch.
2. I do not want Cameron Diaz to feed me popcorn.
   
3. I do not cheer when A-Rod hits a homerun, because I realize the mixture of steroids and horse hormones is why he has a nice trot around the bases.
4. I know this may surprise some of you, but "GOT RINGS?, WE GOT 27 OF THEM" actually gets annoying after the first 1000 times.
5. Suzyn Waldman - self explanatory.
6. Winning with $210 million isn't genius, it's a Monopoly.
7. It's great to know whenever some one hits a homerun, the Yankees will sign him to their bench. Great parity in this sport.
8. It's Derek Jeter, not Derek Jeta'
9. Listening to John Sterling is like listening to Charlie Sheen, they're both rambling men slowly dying.
10. An overweight, player is the pride of your organization. No, not C.C. or Bartolo Colon. The one who screwed hookers and ate a steady diet of hummel hotdogs and tubs of mayo. Put that in your cigar and smoke it.

Tune in next week when I admit, Why I Am A @&$#ing Mets Fan. And remember to subscribe to my blog and/or comment on this post.

It's 10 PM Do You know Where Your Children Are?

AND

Parents please make sure you know what your children are doing at all times. You never know what types of creepy people may be out walking the streets. I hope these new PSA's help get the message out.

If you thought this was funny, then I hope you are still laughing next week when I release my latest post, Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan.

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Why I Can Never Be A Red Sox Fan

In New England, the snow has melted, the days are getting longer and the temperature is rising. With Spring inching closer the dawn of a new baseball season is upon us. Every team has a renewed hope that they will win it all. Fans are getting wicked excited for anotha day in the paaark. Here are some reasons why I will never be a Boston Red Sox fan.

1. To me sitting on top of a 100 year old wall to watch a game is not fun, its fucking annoying, to Red Sox Fans its bleacher seats.
2. I don't mispronounce enough words to be a fan. I say dark not daak, I say barber not ba-ba, I say potatoes not puhdaydas, and I say Fenway Park not Fenway Paaaark, Go Bo Sox.
3. When I get ice cream I don't ask for jimmies on it. That just sounds creepy.
4. The Drop Kick Murphy's suck.
5. I never got a Papel-boner.
6. Singing 'Sweet Caroline' with a bunch of drunk Mass-holes is moronic.
7. I fully understand there is a chance that Pedro, Damon, Big Poppi, and Manny probably took some of Manny's "Vitamins" to help win a World Series in 2004. They truly were a Bunch of Idiots.

If you thought this was funny, then you're probably a Yankee fan. I hope you are still laughing next week when I release my latest post, Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan.

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The New and Improved Baby Straight Jacket

Can't control your baby, then the Baby Straight Jacket is just what you need. Who has time to discipline their child? Not parents today. This new and improved design will make sure your precious ball of terror can't move, roll, twitch or bite your face off.

***Supplies are limited, only 7 per household. CA Residents please add sales tax and $20 surcharge for having pain in the @$$ kids.

Please Pass The Electric Cig

I can tell you your future, that's what I love about me.

The Crying Heat Game

When all is lost just put your head on my shoulder, and weep those sorrows away.

Charlie Sheen: The Video Game

Control Charlie as he hooks up with Godesses, hangs with the Knarliest of Knarly's, while taking out trolls and loser kids. No matter what you do, you will always be WINNING!!!

A Little Extra for the Effort Princess?

Dude!! He's totally getting laid tonight!!

It's Bieber Hunting Season

"Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting Bieber"

I had the time of my life making this one!!!!!

True Love: Old School Style

I defeated a Giant monkey Throwing Barrels. How have you shown your love?

The NJ Nets new Cologne

With the NJ Nets possibly offering most of their team and 4 first round draft picks to aquire Carmelo Anthony, the scent of Desperation is in the air.

The Curious Case of Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore has caused millions of Americans to walk, talk and act like an over tanned cast member. It seems like every where you go, someone or something reminds you of the show. If you are suffering from any one of these symptoms, then you may have a Curious Case of Jersey Shore.

1. You find yourself buying the Radioactive Glow package at your local tanning salon.
2. You buy hair products in Bulk.
3. Your children ask for Ron Ron Juice.
   
4. Your girlfriend/wife tells you she if DTF tonight.
5. Every problem you face in your life is called a "Situation"
6. Your wife comes home with her new "JWoww" sized breast implants.
7. When your 7 year old son sees a fat lady he points and screams "GRENADE"

Side effects may include: Blackout periods, temporary loss of good judgment, spontaneous table dancing, fist pumping, and anal leakage.


For more on Mike Garb, please visit www.MikeGarb,com and Experience the Funny!! Stay tuned for my first ever podcast called "Mike Garb Plays With Himself" Podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes or visit my website to download it. For the latest insight into my mind, please promote the product and subscribe to my blog.