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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Things You Should Say on a Job Interview

Have you ever been on a job interview? Did you want to say what you felt to the mundane questions asked to you? Have you ever had to bullsh*t your way through the interview? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this blog is for you. I have taken the most common interview questions and gave the Mike Garb answer.

What is your biggest strength?
Leg press. I have uncanny strength in my legs. I could probably lift a midget family of 5.

What is your biggest weaknesses?
A thin brunette with big bombs, long legs, a short skirt, those hot little secretary glasses, and an ass that you want to take a bite out of. Kind of like the picture of the woman on your desk. If that's your wife all I can say is, money CAN buy anything.

What future do you see for yourself?
Well if you hire me, and completely over pay me, then I will be able to hook up with my biggest weakness.

What is your proudest moment?

At my last job, I once completed a live Fantasy Football draft without being interupted. It was a money league, and I went on to win 1st place that year. Best thing that ever came out of that place. Well, that and the fact that I hooked up with the office whore.

What have you struggled with, and how did you overcome it?
I have this 'could care less' look on my face during office meetings. To deal with it, and oh man, this is the greatest part. I learned how to completely zone out in any and all office meetings, but still am able to nod my head. It looks like I'm actually taking interest in the useless updates and statistics you may think are golden and important.

How do you think a friend or someone who knows you well would describe you?
Is it my friend Al? If it's him, then he'll tell you I'm a complete @$$hole. He's still mad that I left him at a bar, with the purse holding fat chick, while I hooked up with her hot friend. If you ask any of my ex-girlfriends, then they will probably tell you I am a self centered loser who only cares about himself. Which is total bullsh*t. If I didn't care, then why would I make a drunk call at 3 am to tell them they may have crabs.

In what ways have your college experiences prepared you for a career?
Oh that one is easy. I have learned how to go out, on a weekday, and get sh*t-faced drunk and still function the next day. I mean even if I go home with some random sea donkey, I still can get to where I should be the next day.

How do you work under pressure?

I hate working under pressure, can't stand it. I mean how would you like it if I looked over your shoulder the whole day, and then asked for an update every five minutes. HEY!! IT'S STILL NOT FREAKING DONE YET. STOP ASKING ME!! WHEN IT'S DONE I'LL LET YOU KNOW, TRUST ME I WANT YOU OFF MY @$$ A.S.A.P.

Well I hope you enjoyed these answers, and I only hope that you think of these next time you find yourself on one of those truly boring interviews.

Be sure to go to for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also check out the new look for my website (click here) and let me know what you think.

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